Blog

Vairagi Mann

One With All The Answers

Inside a classroom or outside of it, hands raised or put down, questions asked or not; didn’t matter because I was always the one with all the answers. The one who knew it all. Whether you wanted it or not I was ready with all the answers, not all spoken out loudly but it was all there in my mind. I knew it all or maybe I thought I did.

I thought I could take on life as it came and turn it my way because you know I know it all until recently when I find myself at a short of words let alone answers. Life was getting on track, I was trying to establish my footing, work was getting in line and if I had stayed things would have been very comfortable and settled by now but the heart wants what it wants and in a very dramatic manner I let my heart take over my mind and turn my life upside down.

Very pompously and I must say with a large pinch of arrogance I threw away the prospects of a millennial future in lieu of uncertainties and a faint hopeless hope of being “the change you want to see in the world” (not a romantic at heart but I did just say that, see the uncertainties have already gotten onto me). I was looking for questions to answer because why not, after all I was one with all the answers. Just one and a half month into this fellowship and my head has been set straight and here I am not giving but seeking answers.

When I had joined I had more confidence than blood in my body and now I see myself craving for even a glimpse of that old self. I had come here certain of myself but the ways of life have thrown me off-guard. The prospective nation builder in me was more than overwhelmed when I got to see the nation so up and close, a nation I knew to exist in books and stories but now am very much a part of. The nation that’s not in the delivery range of Zomato and Swiggy but serves tales, food and love enough to fill your stomach and satiate your soul.

I had heard a lot that this journey of two years changes who you are and I thought how could it because you know!!! And here I have already started to shed away parts of me and transition into I do not even know what. Travelling to places I surely wouldn’t have otherwise both in this physical space and spiritual, finding hope in odd looking faces, tapping to my own tunes and quoting revolutionaries, at this point in time I cannot even fathom where am I headed to?

You know what? I am no longer the one with all the answers and it doesn’t me any happier but it doesn’t make me sad either and somehow and I do not know high but I sleep lighter at nights, this journey of self-discovery is giving me the strength to push through my dark days. I feel my pit burning, burning with the hunger of knowledge, after a very long period; hunger to know myself and the other better, to put more life in my breaths…. Not all days are shiny and bright but the will to push through dark days towards better ones is getting stronger and Chico that’s enough progress for now, I guess! 

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